Friday Funnies - Phyllis Diller

After a conversation I had with someone recently about Phyllis Diller, I looked up her age when she died. To my surprise, I discovered that she is still around and she's 93 years old!

When I was young, I thought she was so obnoxious but she always made me laugh no matter how much I resisted. I never really expected to want to hear her on purpose; but I discovered she wrote a book that was published back in '06 titled "Like a Lampshade in a Whore House". Here are some quotes from that book:

-You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

-I considered changing my name when I entered show business, but with a face like this, who cares?

-Just when I lost my baby fat, I got middle-age spread, I didn’t have a good five minutes.

-Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

-I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, “Take off your clothes”?

-She not only washes the windows, she irons them. She waxes her driveway. Her husband got drunk one night, passed out on the coffee table, and she came down the next morning and polished him to death.

-I do dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead. . 

-I met my idol, Warren Beatty. I was so thrilled, and he was thrilled, too . . . He finally met a woman he didn’t want.

-The newlyweds next door were going on a honeymoon cruise and the husband went into a drugstore and bought Dramamine and contraceptives. The dear old druggist took him aside and said, “Son, if it makes you sick, why do you do it.”

Remember her husband Fang?

-Fang is a good loser. He lost eleven jobs in one year.

-Fang is the cheapest man alive. On Christmas Eve, he puts the kids to bed, fires one shot, and tells them Santa committed suicide.

-He’s (Fang) so cheap, he threw an IOU into a wishing well. I tossed in a dime, and he jumped in after it and broke his neck. That was my wish. 

-We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . . And they are dumb. But Fang is even dumber. He thinks he’s their father . .

You can buy the book here HERE

or if you'd prefer to see her live and close up (like I would) you can find "Goodnight, We Love You - The Life and Legend of Phyllis Diller" (2004). As best as I can tell, it's the most recent thing she has out there besides the book. Get it HERE

laughter is good medicine