FRIDAY FUNNIES

As I was standing in line at the store reading the magazine headlines, I came across this one.

Bill humiliated by Hilliary???? ha! ha! ha!

A BLONDE JOKE

 

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

Friday Funnies - I'm Fine, How are You?

I received this in an email and it just plain old made me laugh!

Friday Funnies

Friday Funnies

I buried my husband today. He passed away October 16, 2011. It was a long 17 days to his death and another 4 long days since. He died the day before I was to have the make the big decision. He was being kept alive by machines. The thing everyone dreads. Most people who are faced with that decision have a person with no brain activity. I had a husband with a strong heart and a mind that understood and could answer questions when they back off the sedation. Thank God for his mercy to me and his decision to take him without any intervention from me.


A friend sent me a "sick sense of humor" cartoon when it was over. It was one of those things that you were so tired of crying that you just had to laugh kind of thing. Here's the cartoon she sent.

Friday Funnies

Some people are like slinkies; not really good for anything but they make you smile when pushed down the stairs.

Friday Funnies

Friday Funnies - The Little Rascals / Our Gang

I love the little rascals and I have a few Spanky and Our Gang DVD's and VHS Tapes, but the other episodes that I've been able to collect by various means are not at all good quality. A few clips and an episode or two can be found on YouTube but the quality isn't very impressive there either.

I found a site that has episodes you can watch or use video downloader to grab them (if you use Firefox). They have been restored and the quality is excellent. I think they sell Dvd's too. I believe they must be unedited also because the episode "Choo Choo" is a lot longer than the one I have and I've never seen that footage before. When I was a little girl, the reruns were on every weekend, just like the I Love Lucy show. I loved to watch Our Gang and Tarzan!

A few years ago, I made a DVD for my Grandsons, thinking that it was old fashioned, black & white and they weren't going to be interested because they were so much into super heroes. My daughter called me said, "Mom, I want you to hear this. Listen to my sons laughter! They love it!". Her home was filled with giggles and uncontrollable laughter. It was wonderful.

Check out the site for yourself and watch a few episodes and laugh! HERE

Friday Funnies - Phyllis Diller

After a conversation I had with someone recently about Phyllis Diller, I looked up her age when she died. To my surprise, I discovered that she is still around and she's 93 years old!

When I was young, I thought she was so obnoxious but she always made me laugh no matter how much I resisted. I never really expected to want to hear her on purpose; but I discovered she wrote a book that was published back in '06 titled "Like a Lampshade in a Whore House". Here are some quotes from that book:

-You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

-I considered changing my name when I entered show business, but with a face like this, who cares?

-Just when I lost my baby fat, I got middle-age spread, I didn’t have a good five minutes.

-Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

-I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, “Take off your clothes”?

-She not only washes the windows, she irons them. She waxes her driveway. Her husband got drunk one night, passed out on the coffee table, and she came down the next morning and polished him to death.

-I do dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead. . 

-I met my idol, Warren Beatty. I was so thrilled, and he was thrilled, too . . . He finally met a woman he didn’t want.

-The newlyweds next door were going on a honeymoon cruise and the husband went into a drugstore and bought Dramamine and contraceptives. The dear old druggist took him aside and said, “Son, if it makes you sick, why do you do it.”

Remember her husband Fang?

-Fang is a good loser. He lost eleven jobs in one year.

-Fang is the cheapest man alive. On Christmas Eve, he puts the kids to bed, fires one shot, and tells them Santa committed suicide.

-He’s (Fang) so cheap, he threw an IOU into a wishing well. I tossed in a dime, and he jumped in after it and broke his neck. That was my wish. 

-We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . . And they are dumb. But Fang is even dumber. He thinks he’s their father . .

You can buy the book here HERE

or if you'd prefer to see her live and close up (like I would) you can find "Goodnight, We Love You - The Life and Legend of Phyllis Diller" (2004). As best as I can tell, it's the most recent thing she has out there besides the book. Get it HERE

laughter is good medicine

Friday Funnies

Coke Spreader

World Cow

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. ~ Jim Carrey

"Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side."
~ Zig Ziglar

"Wall Street is the only place people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from people who take the subway."
~ Warren Buffett

Friday Funnies

My Granddaughter has been playing this game here recently and so I checked it out myself. It's not only just cute and somewhat challenging, but it's addictive!

Check it out for yourself HERE.

Check out this video of an amazing trick ... 2 women in a box.

Here

Friday Funnies

Friday Funnies

Friday Funnies

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well, 

	Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
	Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
	Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
	Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
	Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.  

“Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Yo Mama... so ugly yo father takes her to work with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye....

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Accident At the Pearly Gates (PG)

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven...

It had been a pretty busy day, though, so St Peter had to tell the first one: "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" 

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony and, sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started punching and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay! I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started punching and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." 

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. 

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Friday Funnies

A really stupid joke - I found this on Yahoo Answers I think:


The funniest joke I ever told was this:
"I've got a cousin in the Ku Klux Klan. He's got a son who wet's the bed. You can tell them at the Klan Rally's. Cause they got LIKE a YELLOW stain on their sheets!!!!!!!"

*****

This is Clocky

Product Features:

    * Persistent, mobile alarm clock; droid-like clock hops off nightstand, runs amok, and beeps to get the user out of bed
    * Travels on 2 wheels; digital display with backlight for night viewing
    * 1-time snooze function with 0 to 9 minute duration; wheels on/off button
    * Requires separate purchase of 4 AAA batteries; 3-foot maximum jump height
    * Measures 5-1/4 inches wide by 3-1/2 inches deep by 3-1/2 inches high; limited 90-day warranty

Can you imagine and alarm clock that runs away and hides, so you have to go find it to turn it off... funny but a little scary too.

CLOCKY at Amazon

I heard on the news this evening that sun signs were being changed and I came across this while I was looking it up. Being a southerner myself, I thought it was funny.

HOROSCOPES FOR SOUTHERNERS

OKRA
Dec 22 - Jan 20

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies!

CHITLIN
Jan 21 - Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE
Mar 21- April 20

You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM
APR 21 - May 21

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH
May 22 - June 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS
June 22- July 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH
July 24 - Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS
Aug 24 - Sept 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, thought so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS
Sept 24 - Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN
October 24 - Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO
Nov 23 - Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
 

Friday Funnies

Mickey Mouse Comics from 1959 (Click twice to enlarge)

Friday Funnies

At Grandma's


Two little boys went to their grandparents' place for Christmas. At bedtime, the youngest one began to pray at the top of his lungs.


"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."


The older brother exclaimed, "Why are you shouting? Do you think God is deaf." The little one promptly replied, "Nope! But Grandma sure is!"

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

Answer: It's Christmas, Eve.

What do you call a penguin wearing ear muffs?

Answer: Anything, he can't hear you!

Friday Funnies

Misheard Christmas Song Lyrics

"A New Year, A New Ring" by Paul And Paula
Misheard Lyrics:
But with hearts full of love, and hell from a bug
Our love will work out fine.

"Feliz Navidad"

Misheard Lyrics:

Fleas on a dog
Fleas on a dog.

Original Lyrics:

Feliz Navidad.


Read more HERE

These are kind of hard to believe. It sounds like somebody just made them up. Check them out HERE

Friday Funnies

o It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
o A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Friday Funnies

Friday Funnies